I lay beside an open bottle of pills that were strewn out all over the cold bathroom floor; waiting for my so called friends to find my lifeless body. Even though it felt like an eternity, just moments before, I walked in on my best friend locking lips with my guy crush. I was devastated. Jules knew I liked him and, in true Jules fashion, decided to take him for herself. I felt that I wasn’t worthy enough for my best friend and my guy crush to like me. I wanted to die to get their attention, to wake them up so they could see that I was hurting and feeling unworthy of love and loyalty. Nobody came.
My heart had been squeezed into a cloud of dust and now my ego was bruised. They don’t even care if I live or die! What a piece of shit I am! Twenty-two pills were in the bottle when I desperately grabbed it from the cabinet and twenty-two pills were reluctantly placed back in the bottle when I realized my pseudo suicide attempt had failed. I couldn’t even pretend to kill myself successfully. I felt like a huge loser.
I just wanted them to notice me. No, I needed them to be sad when they thought I was gone for good. I was only a preteen when this event occurred, but the feelings of unworthiness plague me, in some ways, even today.
EVERYBODY HATES ME, NOBODY LIKES ME, I GUESS I’LL GO EAT WORMS
When I was a teen, I was happy for the most part and had a ton of fun, but something was always missing. Deep inside, I felt unfulfilled, empty and cold. Multiple friend groups and never being alone with myself seemed to fill the void. As a twenty-something, drinking, smoking, over-working and little sleep seemed to help me ignore this nagging feeling. Of course, these were only distractions. The real issues would need to be dealt with before I could finally feel free.
LET IT ALL OUT
The feeling of unworthiness is a human condition. Most everyone on earth has felt or feels unworthy in some way. Ok, maybe not psychopaths, but those of us who are of average psychological makeup have had doubts about our skills, lovability, appearance or even our decision making.
Most people will never tell you that they fear they aren’t good enough. It’s considered weak to admit our fears and faults. When I confess that I’m feeling unworthy, it sets me free from the emotional constriction and it also helps me to feel closer to those around me. Hiding fears of not feeling good enough only serves to create a greater divide between you and the world. It also perpetuates the feeling of unworthiness. It’s a vicious cycle. Be truthful, if even to yourself. Say it out loud to someone you can trust. Bring the fears into the light and healing will begin.
LOVE YOURSELF MORE THAN HIPSTERS LOVE IRONIC EYE WEAR
I know you’ve heard it before. “Love Yourself, Smove Yourself, yeah yeah, we get it,” you may be thinking. Yes, I totally hear you. The “love thyself” movement in the self-help industry has been done ad nauseam but with good reason. It’s the one and only way to aid you to feel worthy on a regular basis. Yes, you too can feel good enough without pills, without a girlfriend and even without that new car. Relying on an outside force to make you feel worthy always leaves you at the mercy of said outside force. Take steps to love you and no one can take that away from you.
It took years of practice to figure out that loving myself means I need to take good care of myself; even if that means not taking care of another in the process. *gasp* I thought that over giving to others and continuously pleasing was the key to being a good person. Fortunately, after years of exhaustion and rarely getting what I needed, I realized that it was no one’s responsibility to love me. It dawned on me that I didn’t owe anyone anything and they certainly didn’t owe me. I wasn’t coming to my own rescue. I wasn’t loving myself. Boy has that changed. Loving myself is a work in progress and each year gets better and better because of this journey.
Will you always feel like you’re good enough, worthy and be totally in love with yourself? Nope! But, in my experience when you can give a grade A effort on a consistent basis you will push aside that cold hollow feeling and feel warm and fuzzy feelings deep in the sub-cockles of your heart.
Post Script –
The hipster subtitle was a nod to my friend, Jodie and her rockn’ awesome sense of humor.