The last we “spoke” I had been laid up with back issues for 13 days. At that time, I was seeing some improvement in pain levels and looking forward to getting back to work and my routine. I started making plans to kayak with fun people and take long leaf peep trips to Minnesota. It was so exciting to see the light at the end of the tunnel! However, the Universe had some pretty hefty plans in mind for me.
OH MUH GAAAAAWWWW DEH. WHY ME?
About a week into my stint of lying on the couch, my guy and I had a very painful breakup. I was heartbroken. Of course, my mind wanted to busy myself so that I didn’t have to think about it and feel the heartache. But I physically couldn’t move. I was trapped in my mind. I couldn’t even sit up long enough to journal. So I just talked out loud to the Universe.
About 5 days later, my back was in a tiny bit less pain, I HAD to get up and do something. With my trusty cane in hand, I decided to test my back and facilitate my monthly group coaching meeting. It would be the first time in weeks that I sat up for more than 2 minutes at a time. I was taking quite a risk, but I felt it would keep me from going stir crazy. A couple days after the meeting, I gave a class that I had previously scheduled. It seemed that I may be on the mend!
Not long after I was getting into my routine again, I was the reluctant recipient of my very own pinched nerve in my neck. At first, the pain was uncomfortable and made it hard to find a position that would alleviate both my neck and back pain. Soon, the neck discomfort escalated into what I called, “Near labor pain.” Then two weeks ago I endured mind blowing suffering. Who knew that the level of labor pain could actually be surpassed? I ended up in the ER and being pumped with a cocktail of pain meds.
Ugh. Why me?
DEAR GOD IT’S ME DEB
“What the hell God?” I screamed in my head. It’s funny how we blame God or the Universe or whatever higher power you subscribe to, when we’ve been stricken with pain of some sort. Maybe you don’t but I sometimes do when it just keeps getting piled on. Yup, I’m that girl. So God and I had a little talk.
Our chat went something like this, “God, I don’t mean to be ungrateful, but I can’t take this anymore. Why me? What do you want from me?”
I had an instant answer. But it was one that I hated and rejected for a few days. There was so much unraveling in my life; so much change. My general reaction to this is to get and stay busy. Unfortunately, that means I have rarely completely dealt with all the emotions that come with change. It was time to face it and feel.
It wasn’t easy at first. Bottled up emotions, looking at my faults and where I may have “gone wrong” were looming over me for the first few days. Then incredibly, the darkness gave way to the light. Allowing myself to feel for days on end had begun to heal me from the inside out.
WHAT I LEARNED ON MY MINI VACATION FROM LIFE
I learned (or re-learned)…
- that I don’t always allow myself to feel all range of emotions and that can result in being unclear about what I really want. Of course, because I was unclear, my life and relationships were less balanced and passionate as they could be.
- taking time out to meditate, journal, and to be in nature is amazing but it’s not enough. I will now take time to feel on a constant basis. I thought I had been doing this very thing but the recent events brought me to a whole new connection to my heart.
- being alone and incapacitated for weeks on end may result in making friends and even speaking to (or at) a spider that hangs around in my living room.
- I have a much greater support system in my family and friends that I had ever known. What a gift.
- I deserve everything that I need from life, lovers, friendships and settling for less isn’t an option. What an ah-ha that was.
- fighting with someone about my needs and desires is ridiculous. It’s my job to set boundaries with those who are not there for me in my time of need and focus on those who are.
- I love being a woman. This one is a long story but suffice to say, this stint of doing nothing but feeling and connecting to the Universe drudged up some very old and subconscious issues.
Yes, there was pain and there will be more because I’m human and that’s a part of life. However, I would not change this experience for the world. I am genuinely happier. I feel freer than I have ever felt in my life. And I was shown that my “Why Me?” moment had benefits that I would never have come to without the Universe, not so gently, telling me to “calm”.