I woke today thrashing around in my bed. The dream I was living seemed so real and affected my psyche so strongly that I woke myself up just to escape it. You may be thinking that it consisted of zombies marching forth in a labored fashion. You may assume that I endured virtual bombs falling from the sky - first in silence, then causing deafening fear or the ever popular, naked in front of a crowd dream. But no, this dream was much more powerful than anything I've had before. Worst of all, it represented a realty that has come to light every time I've had a leap of success.
My phone rang. The number wasn't familiar, but the caller ID said, "The Pizza Shoppe". I had done several speaking events at the Pizza Shoppe and so I answered quickly – hoping to talk with Eric and set up more dates and times there. It was startling to hear a female voice on the other end of the line. "You are leading these people astray. Do you understand what you're doing to them? Your so called guidance is making them worse!" Stunned, I slowly looked at the phone again and then disconnected this wicked caller. - end-
You know how dreams are; I "knew in the dream" the background story to this very harsh moment. I had been doing more events, writing more and opening to new avenues in general. This woman was the third person, (in the dream) to tell me that I was an imposter. It was my last straw. I told my dream friends about the call and added that I was quitting this business! I just can't handle it! After making that fearful decision I woke myself with a start but the feeling didn't leave me for hours.
AFTER THE DREAM
All morning I couldn't shake the heart pounding feeling I received from "hearing" this woman tell me how awful I was at my career. I did recognize that it mirrored some of my real life moments. As I've struggled to burst into the intuitive world as a credible and grounded person I would endure backlash. For every four hundred people I aided, I would have one or two people who would email or call me and tell me I was going to Hell, or that they wanted to bring me into their religious fold to save me.
These people weren't EVER clients of mine nor did they follow me in any other way to really find out what I was about. The caller and other antagonists in my dream also were not clients nor did they attend an event. They just had an opinion "me" and wanted to make sure I knew about it. Unfortunately, there are times it affects me adversely.
All of my life I've had a problem internalizing my successes. Even though I have had every evidence to support that I've had success, I struggle with really allowing that truth to soak in. Admittedly, I'm very hard on myself. I'm always looking to how I can do better, be better and give my clients the most while balancing my life. I wouldn't say that it's obsessive, but rather a passion; there's a fine line, I know. The fact that I cannot fully allow myself to feel my whole success aids in moving me forward. However, at times, it rears its ugly head in dreams and self-sabotage as well.
After speaking to a wonderful life coach today, I was able to recognize this dream as a deep seeded fear of people seeing my worst faults and calling me out. My irrational fear is that I will fail miserably or that my guidance will unravel someday. It's not something that I fear often, but it's the ego side of me that I've (mostly) tamed; but today it showed me that a bit of it is still there waiting to be healed.
HEALING YOUR FEAR OF BEING FOUND OUT
Until my dream came about, I had only talked about my fear that "I'm not good enough but no one knows it" to my best friend, but I know that you have a secret too and I want you to face it. So I wanted to share mine first. How do I know? I know because everyone does, whether they admit it or not. As we gain success, we fear that someone will know that we don't deserve it, or that maybe we can't perform the duties that come along with a promotion or we don't deserve the love that we've finally found in someone. It's one of the most common secrets people hold deep within them.
I challenge you to face it and give it the boot. Take time soon to journal and explore this side of you that you've ignored and stuffed in the closet for so long. When we bring our fears into the light they shrink and eventually fade away. I believe in you, not because you've convinced me of who you are, but because I can feel your energy on every level – including the part that feels that it's an imposter.
Anne - I honestly feel that unless we stop growing we'll never stop having that doubt. BUT! You're so right on - it gets better and easier to deal with as we become more self aware! Thank you for your thoughtful comment!!
Lovie - Awesome point! Those who wish to be true heroes often feel the MOST self doubt! Great point of view and comment - thank you!!!
Posted by: Deb Brockmann | 06/01/2014 at 10:10 AM
I see that self doubt in some of the most amazing people. My doctor is one of them also. He wants to save the world. First of all we all are human and most people I believe do give it all they got and that is why these self doubt critters come to surface. Good challenge though Deb. That closet can be a scary place to go sometimes!
Posted by: Lovie66 | 05/31/2014 at 07:39 PM
I COMPLETELY know what you're talking about! I feel so powerful and capable sometimes. But then, I am yanked back, sometimes on my own accord, and sometimes when someone makes even a slight remark questioning what I'm doing. I take that as an opportunity to dive into the dark pit of self-doubt and criticism. The fear is less and less gripping as I work through it and the things I can do are bigger and bigger. So that's cool.
Do you think there will come a time, in this lifetime, Deb, when that kind of self-doubt becomes a non-issue? I can only imagine the freedom I could feel!! Thank you for being brave enough to share what each one of us feels inside!
Posted by: Anne Thompson | 05/30/2014 at 09:07 AM