I've been stuck lately. If you follow my blog you've probably gleaned that from my lack of consistent writing for the last, oh say, several years. Or have I ever really been consistent? Hmm... once again, I digress.
The truth of the matter is that I've been a bit "frozen" for over 8 years. Yes, I've written a few blog posts, coached and taught hundreds of amazing souls, traveled a tiny bit, had long and short-term romances, ran a wellness center, wrote a couple of books and created websites and enjoyed it all! But something has been missing inside of me. Something deeply needed that I, until now, couldn't put my finger on.
HAVE YOU SEEN THIS GIRL?
Me. I've been missing.
Not the milk carton kind of missing but the "people pleasing Stepford wife" kind of missing. I've been giving 97% of my emotional, mental and physical energy out to others. I'm no martyr. I did this with full conscious intention and without blame. It helped me avoid some inner pain that has been there for the last 8 years (maybe my whole life).
I have been vulnerable at times on this blog, but it feels strange to me. I always thought I was put here to serve and serve alone. Receiving wasn't for me. Or so I thought. So once the post is out there my amazing subconscious mind quickly diverts my attention to someone or something else and I breathe a sigh of relief. Sweet familiarity is mine.
MAKING THE FAMILIAR UNFAMILIAR AND VISA VERSA
Lately, I've been taking a LOT of first steps in self-care. Most of them include reaching out for help from others. What's that like, you ask?
My mind has so elegantly tucked away this pain to save me from going crazy. To ask my mind to step down is like asking someone to pull the string on a beautiful sweater, that I've just knitted, until it's in a heap of colorful yarn on the floor, while someone pokes my head and asks, "Hey, wanna hear the most annoying sound in the world?" and delivers it directly into my left ear.
HAPPY NOW. EVER AFTER...WE SHALL SEE.
I don't have a "happy ever after" end to this story... yet. I've been thinking that maybe I don't need to think about the end, rather just start injecting more of me and what my heart needs into my life. What a concept!
So far I,
- Set better boundaries
- Drink less
- Eat better
- Have allowed myself to be more vulnerable
- Express my feelings, in feeling words that don't just stop at "bad" and "good" to MYSELF daily (planning on sharing said feelings to others later. Baby steps)
- Acknowledged that I'm enough
- Cried when someone told me I was important even though I did NOTHING FOR them.
MY HEAD...THE BULLY.
I can't say what's next because I have also stopped allowing my mind to rule my heart or at least as much as I possibly can. I just started placing my hand on my heart and asking it what it needs.
At first, my mind would take over and criticize and condemn what my heart would tell me. My mind would spew all the logic possible about why what I felt/heard from my heart was bull shit and wrong and selfish. It occurred to me that my mind has taken over the bullying position from others that I grew up with. NO MORE.
My heart just told me to express my feelings right here and right now...so far it has NOT steered me wrong, so here it goes.
I'm scared. Yes, gorgeous girls and boys... I'm scared. I'm feeling nervous, anxious and I fear your rejection in this very moment. I am feeling fearful that by putting out something this vulnerable that I am opening myself to ridicule and rejection. The truth is that I am.
I also feel something else. I feel proud of myself for removing my mask of "everything's great!", taking the steps to share my feelings and not hide behind giving advice, just telling my story but not how I feel, being overly helping and loving to anyone and everyone but me. I feel brave and courageous for putting this out into the blogosphere.
I LOVE YOU. SIGNED, YOUR HEART
Just writing those things made me feel more open and free and certainly gave my self-esteem a bit of boost. Amazing.
I will leave you, my sexy friend, with one more note about this vulnerable, crazy ass journey that we're all on; your heart loves you. Just ask it.