I'm losing an identity that I've had for over twenty years. The identity that's been trying to die but I continue to give it CPR, goes something like this: I endured pain and suffering as an intuitive empath (aka a sensitive) in a non-sensitive family and society so that I could help others.
Sounds pretty good right? This belief did serve me for years. But keeping this flipping half dead identity alive has been a full-time job since 2009. I'm exhausted and so is she.
BEATING REVIVING A DEAD HORSE
A large majority of my inner resources have been spent on reviving this identity. If I look away for one second she sneaks off and tries to hide so that she can peacefully move into her next phase. But nooooooo! Somehow right as she's taking her last breath, I swoop in and shake her, slap her face and plead for her to stay a little longer. Even though I've grown to hate her, I can't imagine living without her. If she dies and leaves me, who am I?
TIME TO KILL LET GO OF MY IDENTITY
Today, I had an epiphany that if I continue to hold onto her, I'll continue to stop myself from moving forward. In other words, if she lives I won't be able to.
I'm pretty sure a Google search of "How to gracefully lose an identity" would turn up a billion results, however, I feel that train has left the station. It's time to move from all the stages of grief I've endured since 2009 and into acceptance.
Denial: I'm fine! I'm still here to serve and give and rescue! Nothing has changed. (Even though EVERYTHING changed and my Spirit Guides were trying their damnedest to help me see that)
Anger: I would literally yell out loud at my Spirit Guides, demanding to know why I was stuck, why I couldn't move forward in my personal life and career.
Bargaining: This is a typical rant of mine when I was in the bargaining stage.
Me: "Guides, pleeeeeeease give me insights into what I need to do next."
Guides: "Debra, we love you and it's time to move forward and write from your perspective, your voice."
Me: "Please just give me messages from the other side so that I can continue to help people."
Guides: "Debra, you will aid people more when you begin to write for you instead of always wishing to help and heal others."
Me: Silence.... back to denial.
Depression: If you follow my blog you know that part of my depression caused me to stop writing. I wanted to want to, but all I could do is think about writing to rescue others and the words wouldn't come. So, I just went further into depression.
ACCEPTANCE IN PROGRESS
Today was the first day that I felt like writing in such a long time. It flowed so naturally and I truly wrote for myself. Of course, I do hope it helps or entertains or evokes some reaction when you read this but that was not on my mind when creating it. Maybe acceptance of the loss of my identity is closer than I think. May she rest in peace.
Funeral Services TBA