Why did I cut ties with ALL of my friends, essentially abandon my blog and followers, leave facebook and stop dating for two years? I couldn’t have answered these questions two years ago. I just knew I needed to. This was not an act of depression, even though it has all the signs. It wasn’t because I hated anyone or anything. My 20/20 hindsight tells me that it was a gift to myself.
Sometimes in life, we get or give ugly gifts of love. Dropping out of life was my ugly gift to me. I continued therapy and EMDR with my amazing tattoo wearing, psychic, therapist, I hired a life coach (who sucked) and I spent hours a day working on releasing pain and anger that I had held onto my whole life.
In between therapy sessions, I had NO ONE to talk to when I was upset (by choice). Instead of venting to a friend, I had to DEAL with my emotion and thoughts head on. It was pretty awful, I’m not going to lie. I felt so alone, but I’ve always felt alone, even when I had forty-five “close” friends. By the way, I’m not recommending this to anyone. It was just what I needed for me. But, I’m a weirdo, so.
GUIDED TO ISOLATE
I remember when this life purge started. My best friend and I had been inseparable for 15 years. It was truly and epic friendship. One that I’ll always cherish. However, I started to have intuitive feelings that we were not meant to be friends forever. What a laugh, I thought! We were closer than family.
Our friendship took a left turn at Albuquerque (props to anyone who knows what that means without clicking the link) and over night we broke apart. It devastated me. Even though it’s healthier for me (and I’m assuming for him) I mourn the loss of our crazy fun friendship almost every day. But, under this feeling of loss, I can feel a deep knowing and calm about the separation.
Not long after this, I was aiding a friend of mine with her business. I enjoyed helping and being a part of a group that helped others. One day, a very subtle and gentle voice told me that we wouldn’t be close friends much longer. As always, I pushed back and asked, why? It made NO sense to me. No answer. I blew that off completely. It was only a few weeks later that I felt extremely calm about separating from her and the business. Weird.
Later, I would consciously and openly cut every single person (excluding my closest family) out of my life. Because I was so guided, I tried to tell the remaining people that I was sorry and that I just need this for me. I’m sure I sounded like a crazy person.
BEST. DECISION. EVER.
The outcome? I’m happier and healthier (on all fronts) than I’ve been in my whole life. Even my dad, who is a self proclaimed unobservant person, mentioned that I’ve seemed happier in the last two years than he’s ever seen me. Whoa. That is the one and only time my dad has mentioned anything to do the “e” word. Emotion.
For most people isolation is NOT the answer. But for me, that and a ton of good therapy is what I needed to right my ship. Fun fact, even Louise Hay, queen of self-help went through intensive therapy before she thrived in the world of teaching affirmation. My spiritual peeps, there’s no shame in that game.
There have been so many amazing things that have happened and I have many ideas for my business in the works again. It may awhile before the world will see them but It feels SO good to be leaving the “rest time” as my Guides call it and be getting creative again! Whooo Hooo!!
REGRETS - I’VE HAD A FEW
The ONLY thing I regret is that I didn’t have a real explanation for my friends because I didn’t really know what was going on. I know that I’ve hurt some people, maybe even made them feel abandoned. For that, I’m so sorry. It was not my intention but intention-schmimention...that’s painful and I caused the pain. If you’re reading this and you felt this from me, know that it wasn’t personal and that I have asked for your forgiveness on an energetic level. I’m so sorry. Love, Deb.
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